I knew I was doomed the day I realized I am a perfectionist. I hate when people see the weakness in me. I hate when they see me annoyed that my pants don't fit. I hate when they see me with writer's block. I hate when anyone sees me tired. I hate when I get a B instead of an A...or a C instead of a B these days. I hate when someone sees my bed unmade, my hair messy.
Worst of all, I hate when anyone sees that I care so much about what they think.
But the truth is, I am weak. Just like everyone else. We are all weak. So what is the point in having such perfectionistic pride?
So we screw up. Everybody does. It has been inevitable since Adam and Eve dug their teeth into the venomous juices of that fruit. We have the very same venom within us, imperfection soaring through our veins and arteries. Pumping violently to and from our heart.
Yet even with all that venom penetrating our bodies, Christians have obtained a new heart. This heart wages a brilliant war against this venom, refusing to serve the enemy by pumping the infected blood. So instead it just stops. We get pale from lack of blood flow. We lose feeling.
Once you are within God's grasp, once you ask him for a new heart, to stray doesn't just hurt. The very act makes one go numb. Haven't you ever felt this?
So I admit. I am weak person. Yet I have accepted a heart that is stronger than my body will ever be. This heart is newly awakened from its slumber and once again I feel the energy of regular blood flow.
There is a change in me that no perfectionist pride can hide. I want people to understand how flawed I am. In fact, maybe it is better for no one to see ME at all. Let Jillian seep into the invisible catacombs. I want them to see clearly this beautiful, strong beating heart. That is my deepest prayer.
What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow. No other fount I know. Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
1 comment:
Hey, Sweetie-Pie,
What's this "no bodies perfect" stuff. You have been to college such a short time, I can't believe you've forget me already? Ummm!
On your "don't care what others think" I do have a serious thought. In my opinion, not one in ten thousand people like them selves. Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, boobs too big, boobs too small, no boobs, hair and eyes the wrong color, on and on and on. Once you learn to love yourself, it's okay to love your self, love who and what you are, your life will completely change. Exactly what you are is a one of a kind person, like a perfect snow flake, somehow created perfectly in the image of God. I didn't learn this until I was just past 30years of age. The obstacles I over came thereafter are beyond belief. I'd say you will learn this truth much earlier in life that I did. After all, you're a real cutie, huh? And, no, I am not now nor have I ever been biased.
Grandpa.
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